Night of the Demons (1988, 90 minutes)
Comcast's description:
One Halloween night, teenagers hold a seance in an abandoned funeral parlor built on a haunted patch of land and unknowingly call forth a host of killer demons. We have a strong feeling this doesn't end well.
I have a feeling this doesn't end well either. It's like Comcast is in my brain! So we open on three teens in a car, driving around, as teens are wont to do. They see an old man walking down the street and teens are also wont to act like assholes, so the 30-year-old high school linebacker (they don't say he's a football player, but by the looks of his fat ass and shitty personality, I can tell he's a linebacker) with a pig nose, which may or may not be his actual nose, in the passenger seat moons the old man. Then another teen jumps out from behind the car and scares this old man with a fake rat and the old man drops his groceries all over the sidewalk. The teens in this town are out of control! Then another teen sneaks up on the old man, but this time it's a helpful teen girl who offers to help pick up his groceries. So he calls her a "dirty little whore." I really identified with this crotchety old man up until that point. As he's picking up his groceries, he curses the children of the town and we see that he has bought both apples and razor blades. I saw Bowling for Columbine, I know there was never any razor blade in an apple. Busted, Night of the Demons.
We follow the dirty little whore home and it turns out her name is Judy. Judy has a boyfriend named Jay. Ar
e these people Duggars or something? Judy and Jay were supposed to go to the local high school Halloween dance, but Jay says dances are for nerds. He makes a good point. He asks if she knows a girl named Angela, but the only Angela she knows is a weirdo. I bet she's a goth or an artist or something. Well, that's the Angela he's talking about and she's having a halloween party. Judy clutches her pearls in horror, but Jay, like Jerry from
Virgin High, doesn't like to take no for an answer - we'll find out more about this later - and he coerces her into going. The party is at Hull House and old lady Jane Addams is said to still roam the house, waiting with the
devil baby to possess obnoxious teens. Damn you, Jane Addams!
Next we see two other teens at a convenience store. The blond teen, let's call her Alicia, is bending over in her short skirt, revealing her underwear to the two clerks, one of whom looks strikingly similar to Luke Wilson, in order to distract them while the second teen, let's call her Liv, shoplifts. It's kind of like
that Aerosmith video. Liv steals candy and booze, and maybe some candy-flavored booze like Pucker (which is nasty and I can't believe I used to drink that shit, but, to be fair, I was 18). Before leaving, Alicia asks the clerk, "Do you have sour balls?" to which they respond, "We sure do." She replies, "That's too bad, you must not get many blow jobs." LOL LMAO ROFL!!1@!!1!!!
We're back in the car with pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker, his girlfriend Low Self-Esteem Helen, who most likely was never told that she's Free to Be...You and Me, and his urban friend Roger. Pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker no longer feels like driving, so he makes Low Self-Esteem Helen switch with him and instructs her to "shut up and drive, bitch." Charming. They get a flat tire and pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker has a spare tire, but no tire iron. From here on out he will be known as dumbass pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker.
Luckily, Judy, dressed as Alice in Wonderland, Jay, dressed as his normal douche bag self, and their friends Frannie, dressed as ethnic Peter Pan?, and Max, dressed as a
male nurse, drive by. Nurse Max asks if they need a hand and Roger says yes. So those crazy teens, never one to miss out on a punning opportunity, applaud them and then drive off. Dumbass pig-nosed piece of shit line backer is pissed, so naturally he yells at Low-Self Esteem Helen because that's what abusive boyfriends do. Now that I think about it, I may have seen dumbass pig-nosed piece of shit line backer on the first season of
Tool Academy, though I may be confusing him with one of the other dumbasses, pieces of shit, and linebackers on that show.
Judy, Jay, Frannie, and Nurse Max arrive at Hull House first. This doesn't look much like the near west side. They hangout outside the home for a few minutes while Nurse Max explains that the brick wall surrounding the home is built over an underground stream and that evil spirits can't pass over the water. How convenient that he has all this information. They go into the house and make jokes about how it's gross. Why do these kids hate settlement houses so much? Maybe they're anti-immigrant. Another car pulls up and Jay decides that they should scare them. So they turn off their lights and Jay goes to hide in a casket, but Judy's guido ex-boyfriend, Sal, is already in there. Jay hates Sal, not just because he and Judy used to date, but because Jay is a WASP and automatically hates all guidos and micks. Whatevs, Jay, we'll be in the
better Heaven. Alicia and Liv, the organizer of the party, also show up, as well as dumbass pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker, Low Self-Esteem Helen, and Roger, who had to arrive by foot. So it's a ten person party? What it lacks in people, it makes up for in strobe lighting. These kids know how to party.
After Roger recovers from his epileptic seizure, Liv suggests they have a seance. They find a mirror to use in the past life seance, where the mirror's reflection shows you who you were in a past life. Roger is apprehensive, but Frannie retorts, "It's just a mirror. What harm could it do?" Foreshadowing! So Liv starts the seance, but the only person who sees what's in the mirror is Low Self-Esteem Helen, who sees a skeleton demon (Jane Addams?) and then herself, dead. Low Self-Esteem Helen breaks the mirror and freaks out and dumbass pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker like raises his hand like he's gonna hit her all because she was freaked out. Why is she dating him?! Oh well, I guess that's why they call her Low Self-Esteem Helen.
Then the demon busts out of the crematorium in the basement, goes up the stairs, and joins the party. So now it's an eleven person party. The demon is just some bizarro-looking skeleton with asthma and, according to the teens, smells like farts. Why does a demon need a skeletal system? Did they even consult a scientician for this movie?
The demon then possesses Alicia, who had her mouth slightly agape because she was applying lipstick. That's what she gets for being a make-up wearing tart. No one else knows she's possessed though, because, like dumbass pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker, she has a shitty personality naturally, so there's no real change there. Roger and Low Self-Esteem Helen decide to leave because they're buggin', but it's not so simple. It never is. The gate they entered through has disappeared and it's all brick wall now. And then, like the gate, Low Self-Esteem Helen just disappears. Dr. Phil moment: She should have believed in herself more and then maybe the demon and her boyfriend would have respected her. But probably not. Roger goes to hide in a car.
Back at the eight + demon party, Nurse Max, Frannie, Jay, and Judy go explore around the house and Alicia asks dumbass pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker to escort her to the bathroom. Before going off together to possibly bone, Alicia makes out with Liv, so now the demon has possessed Liv. So demon possession is just like mono? Dumbass pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker thinks he's getting some. But then she's taking forever in the bathroom and he's getting annoyed because he has anger management issues. So he busts down the door and Alicia has disappeared, for now.
Nurse Max, Frannie, Jay, and Judy are in a room with funeral home shit in it, like metal gurneys and things like that, and Nurse Max starts talking about how the land itself, not just Hull House, is evil and it drove the original settlers, like Hans Springfeld, to murder and cannibalism. Judy recoils, "I've never heard so many disgusting stories in all my life." Then her case of the vapors comes back and Nurse Max gets his smelling salts. After fetching her shall, Judy is feeling better, so Jay hints to Nurse Max that he and Frannie should leave. After they make like a tree and leaf, Jay and Judy start making out on a metal gurney because nothing is hotter than a metal slab that used to move around dead people. Jay wants to go all the way, but Judy is hesitant because this is their first date. Jesus, dude, pressuring a girl into sex on the first date? Maybe Alicia or Liv would go for that because they're kinda slutty, but not our good girl Judy. Jay gets pissed because she had sex with Sal when they dated, but she won't have sex with him. She rightfully tells him that that is none of his business and then pushes him off her onto the floor. He storms off like a big horny baby and she's locked in the room.
Sal is in some room with a fireplace with the now-possessed Liv. And there's nothing a demon loves to do more than dance and suddenly it's like
a Billy Idol video in there. Sal realizes she's acting weirdly, even for a goth artist who works on the school's literary magazine, so he bolts, just before dumbass pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker enters the room. Liv asks if dumbass pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker wants to kiss her, which he does because his girlfriend has low self-esteem and weeps during sex because she hates him, but she hates herself more. And he's a piece of shit, so why not cheat on his girlfriend? Well, here's why not: Liv bites his tongue off. And it's way worse than that time on the Real World London where Neal had his tongue partially bitten off by a guy in the audience of his band's show. But this time, I fully support dumbass pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker getting his tongue bitten off. Now when he wants to call his girlfriend a bitch, he'll have to write it on a dry erase board.
Alicia's back in the bathroom and she's drawn a big heart on her face with her bright pink 99 cent Wet 'n' Wild lipstick. Like Alicia, this demon is really into makeup. Mary Kay was demon all along?! Not content with just drawing on her face, Alicia tears open her dress and draws in lipstick on her boob. The she stops on her nipple and pushes the tube of lipstick fully into her breast, where it's absorbed by the breast tissue? I have absolutely no idea why they would put this in the movie, but it's seriously nasty and my boob hurts just thinking about it. I wish I could un-see that.
So we're about an hour into this movie and no one is fucking dead yet! Until finally, Low Self-Esteem Helen's body falls out of the sky onto the car Roger is hiding in. This is what she saw in the mirror. Roger freaks out a finally gets out of the car to go back to the house.
Jay walks in on Alicia in the bathroom, with her dress unbuttoned and lipstick all on her face and chest. Because Jay is horny and shitty, he doesn't care whether a girl is in her right mind to consent to sex, whether because of drunkenness or demonic possession. At least in Ghostbusters, the gate keeper and the key master were both possessed when they made it and Peter Venkman is a stand up guy who would never take advantage of a possessed girl. He's a Ghostbuster, damn it! But Jay never took the Ghostbuster oath, so he starts fucking Alicia. As they're fucking, Alicia yells at Jay for looking at her and then pokes his eyes out. Though, to be honest, I couldn't watch this scene, because I have this fear of something happening to my eyes and I can't watch that shit. My old roommate Liz was the same way about noses, so she could never watch the scene in Legally Blonde where Paulette accidentally breaks the UPS guy's nose.
Nurse Max and Frannie are doing it in a casket because what else are you going to do when you're trapped in an abandoned funeral home? Also, wasn't there a plot on Homicide where Bayliss is dating the Asian coroner and she sleeps in a casket? So Nurse Max and Frannie, who also happens to be Asian, are kind of the precursor to Bayliss and Asian coroner. But the following never happened on Homicide: as Frannie and Nurse Max are fucking, dumbass pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker comes in, sans tongue, and twists Frannie's neck, as she's on top of Nurse Max, and then repeatedly slams the casket on Nurse Max, severing his arm and killing him. So dumbass pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker is now a zombie? I think zombism is different from demonic possession. They really should have hired a scientician to consult. Whatever, he was ugly before, but now his outside matches his insides. Sometimes, we get the face we deserve.
Sal and Roger find Judy locked in the room and bust her out. But Alicia, Liv, and dumbass pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker find them. Roger goes one way and Sal and Judy go the other. Sal tries to take on Alicia, but she pushes him through a window, which only went to another part of the house. Judy goes to hide in another room, but this is the room where Nurse Max and Frannie were killed, so his severed arm attacks her. Since there is no body attached to the arm and she's used to having push overly aggressive guys like Sal and Jay off her, she easily fights off the arm.
We join Sal in another part of the house, where he is able to climb up some water pipes and out onto the roof. Judy is also on the roof (?) and Roger is trying to get her down from there. As Sal and Judy are on the roof, Alicia shows up. Sal tries to protect Judy again and Alicia pushes him off the roof and he's impaled by a fence post. Was this movie directed by
Sofia Coppala? Judy almost falls off the roof, but she's dangling on the side and trying to make her way over to Roger, who is about ten feet or so below. Because Roger is the urban friend, he's constantly calling Judy "girl." That's how minorities in cities talk, yes?
Anyway, Judy manages to get down safely, but she and Roger are threatened by dumbass pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker, so they run to the basement and lock the door. Can a demon really be stopped by a locked door? According to this movie, yes. So Roger and Judy are in the basement and Judy sees the door to the crematorium and thinks it's a door to the outside because she's an idiot. So she opens it and that's when she realizes that she was an idiot for thinking it was a door to the outside. Roger and Judy strategize, with Judy saying that they just have to hold out until dawn, when Halloween night is over, and then the demons will have to go back to hell. I don't know if that's how it works, kiddo.
But these demons are resilient, so they start unhinging the locked basement door. Roger is helpless, so he just sits there forlornly crying to himself, and Judy finally understands the lyrics to "
Sisters Are Doing it for Themselves," so she opens the crematorium door and gets one of the pipes, which for some reason still has natural gas running through it. Luckily she has a lighter from earlier in the evening and manages to make a flamethrower out of this pipe just as Alicia, Liv, and dumbass pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker bust in the room. That was pretty bad ass, especially for Judy. Looks like having to read
The Feminine Mystique in AP English finally paid off for Judy. And she just thought Betty Friedan was a man-hating lesbian. Go feminism!
Judy and Roger recall what Nurse Max said earlier, that all they have to do is cross the underground stream because bad spirits can't cross the water. But the gate is still gone, so they'll have to climb over the fence. But the only thing to grab onto is some barbed wire and Judy is back to being her annoying whiny self and she caaaaannnnn't do it. Lord, do you want to live or not, Judy? Where's the bad ass flame thrower from the basement? Roger gets on top of the wall and tries to pull Judy up. I assume they're also blood brothers now since both got cut up by the barbed wire. But he ends up falling off onto the other side of the wall and Judy's screaming because all the demon zombies are coming after her. There's Alicia, Liv, dumbass pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker, Low Self-Esteem Helen, One-Armed Nurse Max, Necks McGee Frannie, Eyeless Jay, Fence Post Sal. You'd think Judy would be the type of girl who would enjoy a fun reunion, but she's still screaming. Roger is back up on top of the wall and he manages to pull Judy up just as the sun is coming up. Since Halloween night is over, Alicia, Liv, dumbass pig-nosed piece of shit linebacker, Low Self-Esteem Helen, One-Armed Nurse Max, Necks McGee Frannie, Eyeless Jay, and Fence Post Sal have to go to back to hell now. LYLAS, see you next Halloween. KIT. Jane Addams and the devil baby wait patiently for another group of arrogant over-privileged teens to disturb their home. Turn of the last century social workers don't fuck around.
Judy and Roger walk back home in their tattered costumes and the old man from the beginning of the movie bad mouths them for staying out all night. If he only knew. Old man goes back into his house and his wife has made him breakfast. As he's eating, she tells him that she's been up for hours baking while he slept because he bought so many apples this year. Oh no, the apples! Old man is killed by his own razor blade apples, which slice open his throat. Wouldn't it just cut up your mouth and you wouldn't have the chance to swallow it because you'd be like, "Holy shit, something is cutting up my mouth"? Oh well, live by the razor bladed apple, die by the razor bladed apple.