Happy Holidays to you, your family, friends and neighbors from all of us at Vox.
See you in 2010!
See you in 2010!
Bikini Island (1991, 85 minutes)
Comcast's description:
Five gorgeous swimsuit models mysteriously vanish while filming a magazine layout on an isolated island; a "who done it" of the bodily kind.
For a movie entitled Bikini Island, the opening credits sure are serious, especially with the papyrus font. Then we find out the movie is "based in part on a true story." Oh, so there was a swimsuit photo shoot on an island once. Seems plausible.
There's a blond woman in a bikini, on what I can only assume is bikini island, and a photographer taking her picture. He keeps telling her to move back and then she falls off the cliff on the beach and dies. And then the model safely wakes up in her bed. Boourns.
Our blond woman is Anne. She's in her 20's and lives in LA. That's never a good combination. She's going to an open model casting today for Swimsuit Illustrated (I wonder how the screenwriter can up with that name) so she puts on her best Chloe Sevigny-esque floral dress. Except it's the early 90's, so a dress that ugly is acceptable for the time period. Not so much now. Anne also puts on her underwear by putting one of her legs on a bar stool. That seems like an overly complicated way to put on underwear.
Jack, the editor of Swimsuit Illustrated who looks like the guy from The State who was also Joey's freshman year English prof on Dawson's Creek, gets a call from Leon, the magazine owner, regarding the 15th anniversary issue they are currently casting for. Leon tells Jack, "I want these girls in my magazine, not your bed." Then what's even the point of working for Swimsuit Illustrated?
At the casting there are lots of girls in those weird 1980's bikinis with the high-cut leg and high waist, which was probably considered the normal waist at the time, but now seems high-waisted. You know what I'm talking about. Deciding who will be cast is Jack, Aneesa, the stylist and not the girl from the Real World: Chicago (holla!), the French make up artists whose name I don't remember so I will call him Mattin, and Brian, the photographer whose shirt implies he's either gay or a big fat party animal. They ask the girls to dance. This is some of the least sexy dancing I've ever seen. And yet Jack, Mattin, and Brian are practically blowing their wads. So the French make up artist and the guy in the Hawaiian shirt are...straight? Um, ok.
Anyway, they decide on five girls and Jack finds out each girls' name. There's our girl Anne, Kari, pronounced like Kari Wuhrer (:*-( RIP Ken Ober), a blond with fried hair, Tasha, the "exotic" one, i.e. olive skin tone, Ursula, the one with bangs, and Nicki, the other one with bangs, who tells Jack her name to which he lecherously replies, "I bet." What does that even mean?! Then Jack announces two ripped from the headlines Law and Order twists. First they'll be taking a luxury yacht to the shoot on St. Christopher's Island nee Bikini Island. Is St. Christopher's that trash island in the Pacific? If it's not, then it will be when they get there. Booyah! Then, whichever girl makes the cover will receive $100,000, possibly from the Glad family of products. They're leaving for the shoot tomorrow morning.
All the girls get to the dock and they all note that the boat is definitely not a luxury yacht. Joining them on this average boat is Aneesa, Brian, Mattin, and Jack. Jack notes that they're all disappointed about the boat but they should all relax, get some sun, and have a good time. Then there's a photo shoot on the boat. I thought the girls were supposed to relax? So they're all posing in their weirdo 80's bikinis and they're not looking nearly shiny enough, so Mattin has to oil them up. As he's rubbing some coconut-scented Hawaiian Tropic tanning oil, the scent of my mom in the 80's, on the models, some ominous music starts playing and he looks like he's going to start molesting them. But nothing happens, they just end up a little greasier than before. After the shoot, the girls are hanging out below the deck and talking about how they think Jack is cute. Really? I mean, he's cuter than Mattin and Brian, but best of the rest ain't exactly good. And Mattin's fragile French heart is broken since he is eavesdropping on their conversation through the emergency hatch (?). Next time don't eavesdrop, asshat.
They arrive on Bikini Island and Jack announces they're headed to a 5-star hotel. Hopefully they 5-star hotel is better than the luxury yacht. And it's not! The hotel owner greets them and tells them it's the only 5-star hotel on the island. More importantly, though, the owner is Barth from You Can't Do That on Television. Barth could barely handle his burger place, how is he running a hotel? Oh hey, the hotel is just as crappy as the burger place and there's a mouse on the table. And then Brian goes off to feed the mouse to the snake he brought with him. Um, ok. One, why would he bring a snake? Two, shouldn't customs have stopped him from bringing in an animal? That Australian toad storyline from The Simpsons wasn't a joke. Whatever, the photographer's a weirdo.
They have a day off before the shoots are scheduled to begin because it makes sense to waste money like that? So Jack suggests they all go to the beach to frolic and whatnot. It's the whatnot that concerns Aneesa. Before they leave for the beach, she tells the girls, "I know you're all very liberated and worldly..." She just slyly called them hos. Awesome. Anyway, her point was that being hoey and hooking up with Jack won't land them the cover of the magazine. Also, only three of the girls are wearing bikinis. Were the other two not informed that this place is called Bikini Island? So they go to the beach and play in the water and then Nicki pretends to drown but she's actually ok and that's a super funny joke and then they play volleyball and Mattin ogles the girls some more while ominous music plays. Is this Mattin's first photo shoot or something? Why is he acting like such a horn dog around the girls?
They arrive back at the hotel and Jack says something about his back hurting and Nicki flirtatiously says that maybe he needs a massage. Anne goes in her room to take a shower, but all that comes out is some dust. So Barth comes to fix the shower and Anne is standing there in a towel. I sure as shit wouldn't let Barth see me in a towel, but I'm also smarter than Anne. Barth says the shower is fixed, but if she wants he can stay there to make sure it works. Gross, dude.
Now we're seeing everything from the perspective of a peeping tom. But who is it? The peeping tom looks through Nicki's key hole (sexy) and sees her toplessly making out/massaging Jack. Then the peeping tom sneaks into Anne's room and briefly watches her shower. Next time, lock your door, Anne, especially after you're sexually harassed by a hotel employee.
The next day the girls are at their first shoot. Cue montage of girls in bikinis. Then Mattin suggest that Tasha cut her hair because all the models have the same length hair. But like many an America's Next Top Model contestant, Tasha doesn't want to cut her hair and she throws a tantrum and walks off. Jack walks off after her. He finds her by some trees and hits on her and then they make out and the peeping tom is spying on them.
Back at the hotel, Nicki is chillin in her room and the peeping tom comes in. Why does no one lock their doors?! And the peeping tom, I shit (heh!) you not, plunges her to death. He sticks the plunger over her face and suffocates her. With a plunger! Brilliant! Our peeping tom has been upgraded to a class 5 killer. I don't like the sound of that "class 5." He leaves a fake note from Nicki saying that she's gone home.
The four remaining models and the magazine staff head off to the beach to shoot for the second day. There are cliffs just like in Anne's dream! And Tasha's standing by one. And then she's dead and I'm not sure how. They showed an egg fall by her foot so was she egged to death? Who knows, who cares. But the killer leaves another fake note and Aneesa finds it. And that's why you always leave notes.
Back at the hotel where no one locks their doors, the killer is spying on Brian, who's feeding his snake (not a euphemism), and Kari, who appears to be working out in a girdle. Jack stops by her room with sexy intentions. He tells her that this is the first time he's been with a model, but Kari isn't nearly as dumb as she looks, so she doesn't buy it. But she also doesn't care and hooks up with him anyway. But then Aneesa wants to be a big cock block, like Angelina from Jersey Shore, so she tells Mattin to go get Jack. Mattin knows to find Jack in one of the girls' rooms because if any of the girls were attracted to him, that's where he'd be. So he knocks on Kari's door and tells Jack that Aneesa wants to see him. After Jack leaves, Kari coyly tells Mattin that he can stay. Mattin thinks that he will finally be able to have relations...with a woman! Or not. As Kari's downstairs getting food, Mattin is plunged to death. If you can't manage to push a plunger off your face, I think maybe you deserve to die.
The next morning, they find a fake note from Mattin saying he's going back to Cali to work on a movie and he didn't want to tell Jack to his face. Anne is beginning to doubt the validity of the notes, but Ursula and Nicki tell her not to worry about it just yet and if there's another note, then they'll start to worry.
It's night again and so far everyone else is still alive. So far. It's time for us to learn a little bit more about our hotel's concierge, Barth. Barth has lots of naked ladies on his bedroom wall, a chicken in a cage (there's a choking the chicken joke here, but I'm not gonna make it), and some stolen black lingerie that he begins to smell. Barth is apparently a panty sniffer. And a stalker, as he follows Kari to the greenhouse because Kari received a note that read, "Kari, Meet me in the greenhouse in ten minutes. Jack" Why are they still believing these letters? Barth is watching Kari and the killer is watching Barth. And then his head is smashed with a big rock. Kari doesn't hear anything in the greenhouse, but she starts to get nervous. Pick up some pinking sheers! But alas, it is too late. She's strangled with a hose.
In the morning they find a fake note from Kari saying she couldn't handle being runner up, so she went home. Having only two models left, Jack and Aneesa are buggin, so they decide to pick an easy, breezy, beautiful cover girl straight away. As they're deliberating, the peeping tom is spying on them. They emerge from the bushes to announce a winner. But! Right at that moment Brian the photographer is killed with a bow and arrow. A bow and arrow?! Lord. I bet Jack, Brian, and Aneesa really regret bringing that bow and arrow for one of the photo shoots. Live and learn, so to speak. Then Aneesa is shot with a bow and dies. Somebody must have taken a one credit hour archery class in college. Brave and chivalrous Jack takes off in a VW van, but he's hit in the neck and there's lots of blood and it's really gross. He eventually drives off a cliff.
So what's happened to our girl Anne? Her shoulder is grazed by an arrow, but she's ok. And then we find out that Ursula is the killer. If The Little Mermaid taught us anything, it's never, ever trust a person named Ursula. And that Disney animators are big pervs. Anyway, she tells Anne that Jack and Aneesa picked her (her being Anne) as the cover girl. Anne wants to know why she killed all of them and Ursula answers, "I guess I'm just a sore loser. I figured with you and the others out of the way, well then they'd have to pick me...this meant everything to me and I lost everything." Wow, insanity, narcissism, shortsightedness, the inability to empathize; Ursula's like a reality show contestant before reality shows even existed.
Anyway, Ursula isn't about to let Anne live, so she chases after Anne with a bow and arrow, shouting, "I'll find you, you bitch." Anne runs through the hotel where it finally pays off that nobody locks their doors. Anne ends up hiding in a closet or bathroom or something, but that's where Ursula has stashed the bodies, so Anne screams and gives away her location, but she stabs Ursula with a comb and runs off. But Ursula is still okay to fight, so she chases Anne some more and they end up near a cliff, like in Anne's dream! They fight for a minute or so and then Anne manages to push Ursula off the cliff. Conveniently, Leon shows up in a helicopter right at this moment.
Leon visits Anne in the hospital and he tells her that Ursula was sick and disturbed. No shit, Sherlock; I think Anne already knew that. He tells Anne that she's landed the cover of the magazine with a story about the bikini island massacre and that he's already sold the movie rights and she is going to star in the movie. Then all these reporters come in and take her picture. I feel like this ending is some kind of commentary on the celebrity industrial complex, but it's kind of lost. Save the social commentary for a smarter movie, Bikini Island, and stick to what you do best: ladies in bikinis.
Gas Pump Girls (1985, 102 minutes)
Comcast's description:
Two filling stations [filling stations, the fuck?] occupy the same intersection, competing against each other to win the others' business. When one owner hires young sexy gas attendants, the other is forced to fold.
Have you ever wanted to see an hour and a half long ZZ Top video? Yeah, neither have I. Our movie opens on an empty gas station, Joe's, and a busy gas station across the street, Pyramid. Joe is being tormented by a fly and a pile of bills. I think the fly is a metaphor.
Now we're at a high school graduation. It's nice that these 35-year-olds are finally graduating from high school. Meth is a hell of a drug. There are three greasers in the audience. Were there still greasers in 1985? Possibly. One of the greasers, Joe Namath, who does not have a haircut you can set your watch to, crawls up on stage and attaches some girls' graduation gowns to the stage. When they stand up, their gowns come off and there are five naked girls on the stage! Why weren't they wearing clothes under their graduation gowns?! They're in the locker room getting dressed - again, why weren't they dressed to begin with - and one girl laments, "What a dirty, rotten trick." That wasn't really a trick; a trick is pennying someone's door, this is sexual harassment, but I'm not certain that that term existed in 1985. A girl named June then adds, "It was nice having all those boys look at me. I can't explain it, but it felt good." I can explain it; it's called low self-esteem and father issues.
Turns out June is Joe's niece. His favorite niece, which Joe says incestuous-soundingly. June and her beau, Roger, stop by the gas station to get, you guessed it, gas and Joe foreshadowingly says he isn't feeling well. But June is all, "Peace out, need time to give Roger a squeezer before the dance." But Roger doesn't want a squeezer (is he gay or something?); he's too busy being sad that this may be the last time he sees June. Is he going off to college tomorrow? Anyway, Joe ends up having a heart attack and Joe's wife, Mrs. Joe, thinks they may have to sell the gas station. Oh no! But June won't let that happen. When your too touchy uncle needs help, damn it, you help.
So June heads over to the gas station at like midnight and sings about friendship. Is this a fucking musical or something? I'm here for the boobs, not to hear a song with lines such as "Just give me all of my friends and I'll be happy again." Where exactly have June's friends gone since yesterday's graduation? Seriously, these kids do realize that they have summer vacation before they head off to Tarrant County Junior College? June calls up her best girl friends, the same ones that were nude at graduation, and is all "Do you want to go to TCJC or do you want to help me run a failing gas station?" Both sound pretty awful actually. But they decide that being slutty entrepreneurs is better than slutty junior college students, so they get to work cleaning up the gas station and making heart-shaped signs. I think that would count as a three hour art credit at TCJC.
With all the heart-shaped signs painted and hung, the new and improved Joe's Super Duper is ready to reopen. And instead of having lame, old people uniforms, these girls are wearing hot pants and half shirts with either "regular" or "super duper" written on it to match up the size of their boobs with the gas they will pump. So the small titted girls wear "regular" shirts and pump the regular gas and the girls with bigger boobs wear the "super duper" shirts and pump the super duper gas. Heart-shaped signs, hot pants and half shirts, and "super duper"? Ladies, you're not doing any favors to other women who want to be taken seriously as small business owners. Further to this point, there's a dumbass named April who does not know how to pump gas. You're kidding me, right? One, how do you not know how to pump gas? Two, why would you volunteer to work at a gas station if you don't know how to pump gas?! So June tells April to, "Grab it, stick it in, squeeze it, let it peter out." Wow, it sounds a lot like they're talking about a penis. That's probably just a coincidence though.
They get their first customer and, surprisingly enough, it is a creepy middle-aged man. But the creepy middle-aged man doesn't just want gas, he would like a tune-up as well. I'm sure he would. But girls, of course, don't know anything about how to fix cars, so they have to call the boys to help out. By nature, boys just know how to work on cars. So June's boyfriend Roger and his friends Hal and Michael start to work at the gas station too. Dumb April is very excited that there are now boys working at the gas station, so she sneaks into the back seat of a car the boys are working on and blows Hal (or is it Michael? Fuck if I know) while the car is on the lift. I'm guessing this isn't the first time April has sucked off a dude at a gas station.
The three greasers are leaning back on their parked motorcycles, flicking playing cards onto the ground. Then one of them frustratingly cries, "Let's raise some hell," along the lines of Milhouse's, "When are they going to get to the fireworks factory?" So they head to the gas station and anti-establishmentally dump trash on the ground. Al Gore is so pissed right now. One of the girls tell the greasers, "You attack everything that's decent." Who talks like this? Anyway, June realizes that these guys know about cars, so she asks them to work at the gas station. Where is she getting the money to pay all these people? The gas station is doing well because this movie assumes that only men drive and buy gas, but there are lots of past due bills.
Mr. Friendly, the ironically-named manager of rival Pyramid gas, isn't too happy about Joe's taking all his business. So he hires two greasy thugs to rob Joe's? Or kill June? Something, I don't know what he was going for. But the girl in the office turns on the speaker system, so the other employees hear the greasy thugs intimidating her. Knowing that no girl is more than the sum of her parts, April walks by the office topless to distract the greasy thugs. But only one of the old, horny greasy thugs sees her and pantingly tells the other greasy thug that he's gonna go look for dumb, betitted April. And when he walks through the door the greasers bash him over the head with a wood plank. Then the other greasy thug sees another topless girl and he tells his boner to follow that girl. Then he's bashed over the head with a wooden blank. And the boys and girls of Joe's Super Duper cheered in victory.
Then they decide to throw a party. A gas station party. Fun? So they're all dancing in the garage and Joe Namath decides to put the moves on Jane, a rather plain girl with small boobs. I don't know what he sees in her. And the rest of the kids dance and make out. I bet the employees of Pyramid don't do this. And the dancing continues the next day as Joe's Super Duper is turned into a disco? Seriously, two of the employees are dancing to some terrible disco-sounding music and there are a bunch of cars there and customers are standing around watching and clapping. Bitch, please. I've seen way more impressive dancing. Anyway, this scene was dumb.
With his greasy thug plan having been foiled, Mr. Friendly decided to call a Pyramid gas exec to take care of this situation. And here's where our movie goes from being just an ordinary sexist terrible movie to also being a racist terrible movie. The exec is Middle Eastern and is surrounded by three blonde, white belly dancers. Arabic men have teamed up with black men and are going to steal all our blonde women. I read it on the internet. Anyway, the exec says he'll take care of it; he cuts off the gas supply to Joe's.
June wants to know why she has stopped receiving gas, so she goes over to Pyramid and asks the gas delivery guy what's up. There's a fart joke in that last sentence, but I'm not gonna make it. He basically alludes that they've been cut off. Not to defend Capitalism or the free market or anything, but doesn't that kind of make sense. Why would they supply gas to a competing gas station and isn't the smart decision to cut off the gas station that is outselling your own gas station? I wonder what Thomas Friedman would say about all of this. June's kind of an entitled asshole, so she decides to siphon off the gas from Pyramid. So she and her team of gasholes (haha!) take their cars over to Pyramid and set up a siphoning system with rubber tubes. But this plan all hinges on the girls, who are all in bikinis to distract the male Pyramid employees. You know, this movie insults both women and men. And of course the boys are all leering over the bikini-clad girls who are playing with a beach ball. And they end up stealing hundreds of dollars worth of regular and what Pyramid only refers to as super gas.
As could have been predicted, they run out of gas and have no way of refueling. The gasholes are ready to give up, but June gives an impassioned speech about something, I don't remember and my notes are not very helpful, and the troops rally around her again. And they have a plan. There's always a plan.
And it's an offensive plan! They rent a limo and the boys dress up as sheikhs and the girls are dressed as belly dancers. The sad thing is, with the other movies I have watched from the 80's that feature horrible stereotypes of blacks, I know there's no way a movie could feature those stereotypes today, but I think these depictions of Middle Eastern people could still be acceptable today, at least among a certain population. And I watched the really awesome No Reservations: Saudi Arabia tonight, so I'm feeling particularly outraged about this. Anyway, as the fake sheikhs are scamming there way in, some real sheikhs are leaving and one says to the other, "If those are real Arabs, I'll eat my camel." LOL!!!@!!1!1@!! Ugh.
Then they head up to the office of the exec who cut off their supply of gas. His secretary asks them what part of Arabia they were from. Seriously? When did people stop using the term Arabia? It certainly had to be before 1985. Anyway, she lets them in to see the exec because she's a moron who can't tell the difference between a Middle Eastern person and a white person wearing a kefiyah speaking a fake language that is supposed to pass for Arabic. So they go in the office and take off their disguises. They try to convince him to start supplying them with gas again, but he's not an idiot and he's not going to supply his competition with gas. Then June starts crying - ugh! - and says that he's "the meanest man [she's] ever met." Seriously June, I know you just graduated high school, but you're still 35 and that bullshit just doesn't fly when you're an adult. Or does it? He starts to feel bad that she's crying and then she tells him about the greasy thugs and he says he never authorized that. So he says they can come up with a solution for their two competing gas stations. Seriously?! What a crappy message: girls, cry and you'll get what you want. Fuck that.
So we find out that Joe now works at Pyramid in Mr. Friendly's former position. He's smoking a cigar, at a gas station; that seems like a bad idea. Then June stops by to say hi and after she leaves he creepily says, "She always was my favorite niece." Gross. And then all the gasholes ride off into the sunset together. I think they may be going to get Aerosmith tickets or something. Oh wait, that was another far superior teen-related movie. Let's just end it on gross.
First, we're happy to announce that the team has identified and fixed the issue with the YouTube conduit; you can now find and add videos from YouTube to your library and posts. As always, thanks for your patience!
The other news we have today is about a new addition to the Six Apart family: TypePad Micro, a new free level of TypePad that is streamlined for microblogging. We see a new form of blogging emerging that lives between the quick status updates of Twitter and Facebook and the long-form posts of "classic" blogging; TypePad Micro is designed to meet that need. You can read more about TypePad Micro in Chris Alden's post on the Everything TypePad blog.
A lot of the new capabilities we've added to TypePad this year were actually inspired by some of the best things about Vox: favoriting, member profiles, a dashboard to follow other bloggers, and easy ways to post content from other social media sites. But the things that make Vox different from TypePad are still there: Vox has always been -- and still is -- the best place for "friends and family" blogging, where you're in control over who sees what. TypePad, on the other hand, is built for the blogger who wants, no, craves, attention.
Do you have a passion or interest you want to share with people beyond your Vox neighborhood? If so, we'd love it if you tried out TypePad Micro. Maybe you've always wanted to start that obsessive blog that's just about waffle restaurants. Or want a place to share videos of your favorite band (Jonas Brothers, anyone? Anyone? ...). TypePad Micro's great for those topic-specific blogs. Take it for a spin and let us know what you think.
On the Vox front, our designers are working on some cool new themes (coming soon!). We'd also love to hear your thoughts about where we should take Vox in the coming year. What are the key things you'd like to see for Vox? If you've had a chance to use TypePad this year, what are the features there that we should bring over to Vox? And, if you're thinking big thoughts, how could we connect the Vox and TypePad communities in order to bring together bloggers and their shared passions? Your feedback is really important to us, so please leave a comment here, or shoot me a message.
And again, thanks for your patience as we found and fixed the YouTube bug!
~ daisy
As many of you have noticed, the YouTube Conduit is not working. I am so sorry about this; I know how frustrating it is.
The team is looking into how to get this fixed and I will update you as soon as I hear something. In the meantime, not all is lost... There is a work-around for posting videos.
When you're in the Compose Screen, just click on "embed." Ignore the fact that it says "Widget" before everything because you can definitely use this to embed videos as well. You'll just need to input the embed code from the video, enter a title (if you want) and hit OK.
It might not show up perfectly in your compose screen, but when you hit "Save," your video should appear just the way you wanted it to.
Hopefully this will allow you to keep posting videos while we figure out what's happening on our end.
As always, thanks for your patience.
Go forth and fill your libraries with media.
Seriously, thanks to everyone for being so amazing and patient. You are the reason I love Vox.
I was just told that the Amazon Conduit will be fixed by tomorrow. I will post here as soon as I get word that it's back up and running.
I know this has been frustrating and I am sorry there wasn't more I could do to make it less so. I really appreciate your patience though.
Cheers,
Bad news. As many of you have probably noticed, the Amazon Conduit was not fixed in the last week's release. Unfortunately, there was an undetected bug that is preventing the conduit from working.
We are working on this bug fix and hope to have the Conduit back up and running this week.
I will keep you posted.
Thank you for being so patient.
Blog Action Day is every October 15th, when blogger are asked to post something about a single issue to show our strength and conviction as an online community. It's a great way to feel connected to the greater good, and the participation of so many bloggers to support the world's leading non-profit organizations is something you can do to help, right now. By blogging today, you're supporting some of the world's leading non-profits and sharing your voice for change.
This year's topic is climate change, and we'd love to read your thoughts on the topic. If you participate, leave us a link to your post in the comments, so we know to check out your post!
Go to www.blogactionday.org to learn more, get a badge for your blog showing your participation, and see some ideas for your post on climate change.
Can't wait to read your posts!
~ daisy
The Party Animal (1984, 78 minutes)
Comcast's description:
A farm boy arrives at college determined to lose his virginity, but has no luck with women...until he discovers Love Potion 69 which makes him irresistible to women and changes him into The Party Animal.
We open with a Buzzcocks song? How did they get wrapped up with this shitty movie? Our movie's eponymous Party Animal, Pondo Sinatra, arrives to college via turnip truck. Har har! Pondo meets his roommate Studly, A.C. Slater's eighth dork from Bayside's rap version of Snow White. Pondo is wearing a shirt with a confederate flag on it and he has decorated his half of the dorm room with confederate flags and a giant teddy bear with a confederate flag on it. So this guy's primary goal in college is to have sex, so he decides to put a giant teddy bear with a confederate flag on it on his bed? Cosmo would advise against that. Remember that Real World: Los Angeles when David is wearing a Malcolm X shirt because it is 1992 and Jon from Kentucky was like, "Would you mind if I hang up a confederate flag?" And David gets pissed and later in the episode he goes after Jon, but Republican Aaron stops him. I wish David were here to kick Pondo's ass. Perhaps because he is balding and always wearing racist shirts, Pondo just can't get laid. Maybe he should join the Pit. Pondo's on a date with a college coed, but for some reason she's just not responding to his mauling, especially when he tries to pry her legs apart. Apparently everything Pondo learned about sex he learned from Roman Polanski. (Topical!)
The next student he tries to woo is a Russian theater major wearing an outfit frighteningly similar to Nicolas' horrifying outfit from episode three of this season's Project Runway. A.C. Slater decides to be Pondo's Cyrano de Bergerac and even though he is only like five feet away from them and isn't hiding behind anything or keeping his voice down in any way, the Russian girl does not notice him. That obliviousness is why they lost the cold war. But just as the Russian is ready to give it up, Pondo's ear piece breaks and he doesn't know what to tell her to seal the deal. So he improvises, "Roses are red. Violets are blue. You've got big tits I want to suck on too." Pondo's a lit major.
Then there's a montage of girls in swimsuits just cuz? L'art pour l'art, I guess. It's like these skanks are purposefully trying to tempt Pondo only to withhold sex from him. And that's enough to cause him to put a gun in his mouth. Unfortunately he doesn't pull the trigger; A.C. Slater talks him out of it. As he's taking the gun out of his mouth, Pondo accidentally shoots one of the sluts on Slater's bed, but Slater tells him that it's alright. The fuck? Just a slut, no worries. Slater tells Pondo to go see a sage old black man, a poor man's Morgan Freeman, if you will, who teaches him the phrase, "Houndog's gonna eat that pussy." I'm swooning already.
Pondo decides to try out his new-found confidence at a black club. It should be noted that the people at this club are wearing dashikis and kente cloth and I think I even see a person with a bone through his nose. This is the movie that hates both Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama. Ohhhh, so this movie voted for Ron Paul. Wisely, Pondo is not wearing a confederate flag shirt, but is instead dressed as a circa-1970's pimp. As he enters the club, which is really just that house a few blocks over that was built in 1972 and was considered "cutting-edge" at the time, he says to the bouncer "What's going on, nigger?" Oh sweet Jesus, this movie can officially fuck off. And then after dropping the n-bomb, he goes to sexually harass one of the girls at the club. Even though he clearly hates black people, he's willing to let a black girl fuck him; now that's post-racial. But the club-goers don't take too kindly to Pondo and they stab him in the forehead with a pick. Get it? They're black!
Unfortunately the pick in the forehead does not kill him; it's only made him stronger and hornier, so he's off to go spy on some girls who are working out in lingerie. That's what we girls do. So he takes a page from popular early-80's program Bosom Buddies and dresses up as a lady to infiltrate their lingerie work out circle. Then he suggests strip poker. I've known my best friend for 13 years and my roommate for 7 years and never once have any of us suggested strip poker when we're just hanging out. Are we weirdos? Additionally, playing strip poker when you're already 3/4 naked is a stupid idea, so soon enough we've got lots of boobies. And one boner. Pondo!
Slater advises Pondo to go to a store name Willinger's to get some dope threads because it's 1984 and ZZ Top's Sharp Dressed Man is still a popular song. But he accidentally goes to the punk shop below Willinger's named Dillinger's instead. I wonder if the Dillinger Four and the Dillinger Escape Plan shop here. As Slater advised, he asked for "the works," and they make him look like a mohawked Quasimodo. I don't think that that was ever an actual look. And as I've always suspected, small Southern towns still work a lot like European villages from the 1500's, so the townspeople chase Pondo with pitchforks and torches. I would fully support this if they were chasing him because he's a sexual predator, with Chris Hansen leading the way, of course, but they're only chasing him because he looks weird, so I don't know if I can really support that. Fuck it, yes I can; Pondo's an asswipe who should be strung up in the town square, regardless of the motivations.
Slater decides to take Pondo to a whorehouse. The whorehouse has a big sign on it the that says "Whorehouse." How discrete. But none of the hookers want to fuck him because he's still a bemohawked hunchback. Wow, I thought hookers will fuck anyone. But no kissing on the lips.
Suddenly Pondo is back to looking normal again, normal for him. He goes to a sex shop and this whole scene is in black and white. How art house. Pondo doesn't know what a double-ended dildo is. Odd, because he is a double-ended dildo. Hey-o! He asks for the biggest vibrator they have. Next we see him about to sex up a girl in a dorm room and he's about to see a return on his vibrator investment. If he's so hard up, why is he gonna use a vibrator on this chick instead of his own dick? Whatever. So this vibrator turns out to be the size of a missile and he ends up blowing all the circuits in the dorm; I think he also ended up blowing his bone. Because of his latest antics, he gets sent to the dean's office because college deans deal with dormitory issues, that's why they make the big bucks. The dean just happens to be a sexy lady, how lucky for Pondo.
While in class, Pondo learns what an aphrodisiac is. Apparently roofies weren't around in 1984. He makes it his life's mission to create an aphrodisiac and go for the Nobel Prize in horny asshattery. He sets up a lab in the rec room on his dorm floor. I suppose that's a nice change from dorm meth labs. Pondo is in his car with a girl and he sprays his first batch of aphrodisiac from like an Aquanet bottle. It makes all her hair fall out. Ironic for an Aquanet bottle. Then he tries out his second batch on another girl and it turns her into a gorilla. Then he decides to put his aphrodisiac in pill form. But his dorm floor nemesis, some uppity bitch who doesn't know her place, switches his pills for some farting pills. Are those a thing? Pondo picks up his date at the house a few blocks over that was built in 1972 and was considered "cutting-edge" at the time. I thought that place was a black club? As she opens the door, he shoves a bunch of those pills down her throat. And she still goes out with him! I know it was the early 80's and all, but would any woman really put up with a drugging? Christ. So they're in the car and the farting pills kick in. Oh no!
The sexy dean calls in Pondo for all of his hijinks with the aphrodisiacs and their side effects. We see the bald girl, the farty girl, an alien of some sort, and the gorilla girl wearing a red beret. And let's be real, a gorilla in a beret is never not funny, so I kind of laughed at that. Pondo's expelled.
Pondo is packing up his sexy time lab and he starts pouring all his chemicals in a plastic bucket. As he's cleaning up, his lady nemesis comes in and gives him shit, as any self-respecting woman should. But then something strange happens when all the chemicals combine. And they have an odd effect on lady nemesis. Soon enough she is mauling him. Awwww, Pondo was finally deflowered. Realizing that no girl would actually fuck him of her own accord, he stops the sage old black man from dumping the chemicals down the sink. And finally his work is ready to be submitted to the Nobel committee for consideration.
Pondo boasts to Slater about his discovery even though no one told me there was going to be boasting, so Slater takes him to sorority house I Phelta Thi. Hey! That sounds a lot like "I felt a thigh." I wonder if that's on purpose. Because of this crazy aphrodisiac, all the girls at the house want to fuck him and he goes one-by-one down the hall as the Buzzcocks play. Seriously, this movie has kind of ruined the Buzzcocks for me. (One time I was in Rockford for my friend's graduation party and I ended up getting lost in Rockford at like 1:00 in the morning and it took me like an hour and a half to find my way back to the road I needed to get to DeKalb and the whole time I was listening to the Buzzcocks' Singles Going Steady. After that I wasn't able to listen to that CD for like six months because it reminded me of being lost in the middle of the night and I would start to panic a little.) He's down to the last girl of the house and oh no! She's fat. Gross! And even though he doesn't want to fuck her, she just doesn't care. Sounds familiar.
Pondo figures out that if he goes to see the sexy dean, she will want to do him and then he won't get expelled. So he goes to see her, but first her gay secretary who is a composite of every terrible 1980's gay stereotype wants a piece of him. Dude sex, gross! Luckily Pondo is able to escape into the dean's office with his heterosexuality firmly in tact. But sexy dean isn't there anymore. Fat black lady dean is. Now Pondo was willing to fuck that other black chick because she was thin and conventionally attractive, but this is just too much.
As he's walking back to his dorm room, a bunch of girls chase Pondo and he realizes he's in over his head. He goes, incognito, to a laundromat to get all the chemicals out of his clothes. As he's sitting there, hiding behind a newspaper, five fat ladies come in to do their laundry. It is true that we travel in packs. Pondo's desperately hoping that they don't realize he's there. But it's too late. All five fatties sexually attack him. And then we find out that Pondo died. Did the fatties crush him to death? Did he choke on his own vomit at the thought of fucking these fat chicks? We may never now, but what we can be certain of is that it is ridiculously offensive. Live by the aphrodisiac, die by the aphrodisiac.
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